Sam Vickers

How Soon Is Too Soon to Reveal…The BAD Stuff?

Ok, here we go folks. This is one of the biggies, I know. What happens when you’ve met a man online who is just so crazy-perfect for you it’s stupid…but you’ve got horrible, horrible things to reveal about yourself? When’s a good time to tell him so that you don’t send him running for the hills? (Especially if you live someplace really flat, and he’s got to run a couple hundred miles to even find the hills.) When do you drop the bomb? Leighann wants to know. And lucky for us, she’s got three fantastic examples of the various kinds of thing you might worry about telling a man. Let’s see if we can help her out:

Dear Jeff,

I think I have met the man of my dreams at https://www.loveawake.com. He’s everything that I have ever wanted! But (of course there’s a but, isn’t there always….) but, this question is not about him, it’s about me. I’m trying to figure out when in the relationship is the time to reveal the “bad” stuff about me…. I’m not talking Al Qaeda funding, puppy drowning, baby shaking or anything like that, but seriously not sure when is too soon and when is too late. Pls help!!!! Seriously….. I find your insight and humor incredibly on point and empowering for women, i.e. that you tell womento basically stop thinking that different rules apply when it comes to men and communicate w/ them like they are human beings (ok, almost….), yet, I’m still stuck here. So, here goes:

1. I’m in my mid-30’s, he’s 2 years younger. I’ve started the proces of freezing my eggs to preserve my fertility. Can’t tell if this is a good thing for him (i.e. takes some of the pressure off) or is a little de-man-izing (yes, I think it can be a verb….)

2. I don’t think we should have *** till we’re exclusive (we dated for about 2 weeks before we were separated by work travel for 5 weeks and have been communicating electronically since, so the deed is hanging out there like a huge proverbial pink elephant (and no pressure to answer or anything, but we are supposed to see each other again for the first time in 2.5 weeks…) and I don’t know how to bring this up w/o it seeming like I’m pressuring him to be exclusive (I have actually been on other dates since we’ve been apart, but don’t really want to anymore)

3. For the last few years, I have had an abnormal pap smear result, meaning HPV. Not the less than visually appealing wart kind, but actually, the pre-cancer type. Won’t hurt him, but could be problematic for his future *** partners.

So, when, where and how do I lay this on the line for him????? I realize, if he can’t handle it, he can’t handle me, but at the same time, everything has it’s time and place…. timing is everything, so they say…. Pls help!

Dear Leighann,

First of all, congratulations on locating the man of your dreams! And second of all, take a breath, ok? You are experiencing a very, very common fear. I know a ton of women who seem sure that they are the real-life equivalent of, I don’t know, some princess who has an ugly, evil twin that she keeps locked up in a tower somewhere, chained to a loom or something, and the second any man finds out, well, he’ll bail out faster than…well, then again, I mean…you do own a tower, I guess. That’s got to count for something in the coolness factor, doesn’t it? Hm. Eh, topic for another discussion, I suppose.

Let’s take each of your three issues (cunningly numbered 1, 2 and 3 — sexy!) and talk about how you might break these things to him.

1. IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE AN OMELETTE, YOU GOTTA FREEZE A FEW EGGS…

Hm. I’m not sure this one even needs to be discussed until it’s an issue. And I do mean “I’m not sure.” I’m not a “kids” person, myself. But if I were, I don’t think this info would qualify as a “bad” thing. I mean…from his perspective, all this is saying is that a.) you want kids, and b.) you’re making plans to make sure that happens. If he’s interested in having kids, I don’t think he’d have a problem with that. And if he is NOT interested in having kids, well, then you’ve both got a bigger problem than this news?

I don’t think it’s de-man-izing (regardless of whether or not that can be a verb.) And honestly, I don’t think it’s any of his business until and unless you want to make it his business. As in, when the two of you are close enough that you know you’re might consider making little yous. Feel free to file this one under “no biggie.”

2. NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN, AND NO HUMPING TIL EXCLUSIVE?

Ok, this is another one I wouldn’t think you need to file under “bad stuff.” This one is more about how you function. He’s got to be cool with that. It’s not something you need to apologize for, certainly. Here’s what I’d say about “breaking” this news. The point here is that you WANT to do it. You want to, and with him specifically.

What you’re not saying is, “You need to be exclusive.” What you’re saying is, “I really want to, but only when you’re ready to be exclusive. It’s just how it works for me. I’m not pressuring you, either. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. But this is just how it is for me, ok?” Any guy who doesn’t like them apples, well, he just doesn’t like your apples. Or…he’s only after you for your apples. Hm. The point is, if he can’t deal with exclusive-only ***, he doesn’t like you very much.

And besides, uh, this particular concern isn’t really as urgent as….

3. THE ACTUAL “BAD” STUFF

Ok, this is where you’ve just GOT to tell him before you’ve done it. Now, I realize that you have likely seen him since he’s been back by now. So all of this could be a moot point. But you just absolutely have to tell him about this before you do it. Here’s what I recommend. Look, you’re going to know when it’s time to tell him this. How? Because you’re going to want to do it. And he’s going to want to do it. And you’re going to be exclusive. (see #2. Oh wait. You wrote it. Right, right.) Here are a couple of tips:

• If he likes you, seriously, this is SO not a dealbreaker.
• He might not know what HPV is, so be prepared to educate. I didn’t really know myself and had to look it up, and I’m pretty much a friggin’ genius. (Hey, I said “pretty much” which, in this context, means “not.”) He might not know what it IS, what the risks are to him, to you, prevention, any of it. Before he’s got the slightest chance to be affected by this, he’s got to know that you know all of that stuff.
• I think the phrase, “Listen…before we go any further…there’s something that you need to know…” is a great time to start. It let’s him know it’s serious, let’s him know that you don’t feel fantastic about it, and it let’s him know that you’re looking out for HIM.
• Don’t play it up or down. Just tell him what it is, and let however you feel about it be there. If it really freaks you out to tell him, SAY that. Don’t try to “spin” it so it’s no big deal if it is one. And don’t pretend to be all apologetic and ashamed if you’re not. Just be how you are.
• Really, don’t worry about this one either. Honestly, this is not leprosy we’re talking about here. It’s the most common STI in the world. Maybe the universe (though Rigellian Crotch Mice is a pretty common one, out by Orion’s Belt.)

THE BOTTOM LINE: YOU TELL WHEN YOU NEED TO
That’s the real truth. You tell the bad stuff when you need to. Sometimes you need to because of a potential health risk to him, but sometimes you need to tell just because you need to. Because you’re close enough that you feel you WANT to share your deepest, darkest stuff. Because you’re with your person, and that person should be the one who accepts you, Rigellian Mice and all.

That’s the real truth here. If you’re with the right person, the timing of this stuff becomes less important. True love doesn’t have anything to do with walking on eggshells.

Good luck, Leighann! I’m guessing that a lot of this has worked itself out by now (damn you, backlog of manslations requests!) But if there are any secrets left to tell, don’t sweat it. If he’s the wrong guy, no timing is going to help. And if he’s the right guy, no timing is going to hurt.

What’s your method, ladies? When do you drop the bad stuff? And does anybody know where a Rigellian can fill a prescription for irradiated Megacillin 235?